You don’t imagine, do you, that I haven’t noticed your remarkable ability to get inside others heads and understand what makes them tick? You’re particularly good at understanding others’ psychological and emotional motivation and, whilst you have that in common with the empathetic, your capacity for forensically dissecting people and understanding how they work … what motivates them and why

Almost sounds like the description of a medical adjacent field, doesn’t it? What was that again, headology? No they use Latin in those things don’t they? Must be psychology.

…gives the lie to the idea that you are capable of experiencing any of those motivations yourself. You are notably non-judgemental of the characters you portray in your writing … undoubtedly the result of dispassionately observing the human race … and that degree of detachment is characteristic of Antisocial Personality Disorder.

You know, had I not know that sort of drivel would bore you out of your mind to the point you would start investigating 101 creative ways of destroying paper, I’d say you picked up the art of the backhanded compliment in one of those pick-up artist’s books.

Thank you.

And I’m sure it’s not too far off the mark. It’s hard to passionately observe the human race when large swatches of it simply leave you dumbfounded and aghast.

Sociopath? Maybe. I’m sure if I said the right thing at the right time to the right people I could get that diagnosed. But hey, you’re the expert, you tell me, would you be able to tell the sane person apart from the inmates in the mental hospital? Because Rosenhan suggests you can’t. (link for anyone stumbling over this exchange)

So, I suspect the only couch you and I would be likely to share is the one you’d tied me to before subjecting me to some unspeakable depravity … or the one I’d have you securely strapped to whilst administering the requisite dose of Thorazine before having the orderlies return you to your padded cell.

Speaking of couches, did you need to have a lie down after penning this bit of fanfiction? That’s quite a kink you got there, one bordering on unethical I must say. But then transgression are often eroticized, so I’m not too worried for your license, doctor.