This morning when I was getting myself ready, I passed the mirror in my underwear and for a moment, I channeled River Song as she just regenerated from Mel in “Let’s kill Hitler”.
“Look at that. Everything changes. Oh, but I love it. I love it! I’m all sort of mature.”
Okay, so that wasn’t completely random. Just yesterday I was saying I would love to have her hair (same episode: The hair! It doesn’t stop!)
While I’m still annoyed with my limp, lifeless hair, these days I feel happy when I look into the mirror. I don’t want to say I look the best I ever looked, because I do see some things I want to work on. But I feel the best I ever felt about myself.
Part of that is me getting older. I never really enjoyed looking young. That’s easy for me to say I suppose, because the women in my family do look young. That means I am not worried about looking old. But by looking young I always felt like people wouldn’t take me seriously. I’ve always wanted to look older. I am always a little annoyed that people guess me younger than I am.
A larger part of it was a thought that came to me after I was done impersonating one of my favorite TV characters:
I am sculpting myself into my own image.
Nice sentence, isn’t it? I don’t know where that came from. That was random. But also very true. And I realized it wasn’t just about liking my face or being proud of the slow but steady progress to the weight I think I should have. I feel I am becoming more myself every day.
I find myself liking things I never knew I liked. Noticing things I never knew I was the sort of person to pay attention to. I can feel myself expanding and I am comfortable taking up this space. I feel there’s more me for me to discover. I can see my forties ahead of me and I’m honestly excited to see what that decade has in store.
Now for the really good part: The more comfortable I am being myself, the more comfortable I am with others being themselves. Even with all this tragedy happening all around, I feel optimistic that it will all turn out all right in the end. I see lots of people fighting for the opportunity to sculpt themselves in their own image. Society tries, but can’t prevent that from happening. You can’t invent so many ways of self expression and not expect people to find their true selves. And guess what, they won’t ever be the way others think they should be.