As soon as Anna got home she turned on her computer. Booting up seemed to take forever. Her fear and excitement over what she would find felt like a small hot ball that got stuck high in her chest. Her heart was beating faster than usual. In her head she was cussing at the welcome screen to move on already.
Finally she was able to open her web browser. But now that the answers to her questions were literally at her fingertips, she hesitated. What if she found things she didn’t really wanted to know? What if Sean was into really hard core stuff? What if it turned out to be disgusting? Anna only realized she had been biting the inside of her cheek when the taste of blood flooded her mouth. Ugh. She got up, Google still untouched to get a glass of water.
In the kitchen she decided it was better to know right now if the things they were into weren’t compatible. That would save both of them time and heartbreak. Aside from that, whatever Sean had put online were things he wanted people to know. He wanted her to know. Otherwise he would have never given her a card with…she pulled the business card out of her pocket and studied it…the address of his blog? A thought hit her that induced a flare of panic. It felt like a big hand had wrapped itself around her chest making it hard to breath. What if she would find graphic descriptions of sexual encounters with other women?
She walked back to her computer and typed in the address Sean gave her with trembling finger. With a deep breath she hit enter. No turning back now.
The site that came up appeared to be a community site for the kink-scene, focused on the city and surrounding area where Sean used to live. Anna felt a wave of relief go through her. The presentation looked clean and professional. Not shady or hardcore at all. The biggest news seemed to be a merger with an other site. And that one she recognized. Much the same thing, only based locally and no where near as polished as this one. “Newly acquired by one of our co-founder and event coordinator…” Wait, Sean owned it now? “… to bring the same level of excellence…building a safe and vibrant community…we wish him success at his new home…” Okay, that explained what brought Sean to town.
The ‘about’ section took away even more of her worries. From the short description it was clear Sean wasn’t into any of the more extreme branches of BDSM, although he claimed to live by the motto ‘I will try everything once’, the kinks he listed fit perfectly with hers. Better yet, he identified as a switch. After all that tension reading nothing but good news made Anna feel light headed and giddy.
Two clicks later she found herself in the blog archives. Almost all of them written by Sean, they covered a huge range of topics. From kink related news, to research, interviews with community leaders to events and …reviews of toys and accessories? Fascinated and a little nervous she clicked one of the reviews and started to read. Luckily the story focused on the product and not so much on the people, even when it was obvious he had not tested this out alone. The fact that she would feel jealous over a guy she had seen only twice bothered her more than the jealousy itself. Sean was as great a story teller in writing as he was in person. When she got to the end she clicked on the next article.
Anna leaned back in her chair and rubbed her eyes. They were burning from staring at the screen for hours. She noticed the clock in the corner of her screen said it was after three in the morning. That couldn’t be right? She fished her phone out of her purse. Shit. How the hell did it get to be 3:20 AM? She had to get some sleep.
She shut down the computer and let herself fall down on her bed. Her body was tired enough, but her mind was still running at full speed. Unless she could get herself to calm down, she’s still be lying here awake when her alarm went off. It had been a long time since anxiety had kept her up at night. Even longer still since that anxiety was caused by a man. Luckily she still knew how to create calm in herself.
While she was trying to concentrate on her breathing, an old familiar voice in her head started mocking her because she went through a moment of panic about not having enough experience compared to Sean which had hit her so hard she had burst out in tears. It was trying to legitimize her fear he would find her boring. The bully Anna was back.
She summoned the excess energy of her racing mind to counter the bully. ‘Fuck off. Tears are not silly. Tears are passion. Passion is never boring’ she said to the bullying part of herself. It was satisfying to hear how powerful she sounded in her own head and how small and weak the bully was in comparison.
Weak, but not fully beaten. It tried again. This time pointing out how Sean was out and proud about his sexuality. Blogging about issues, organizing events and contributing in a meaningful way to the kink scene. He was living his life with courage. While she was hiding in the shadows, too cowardly to be her authentic self. Why would he bother with someone ashamed of her preferences?
Anna turned on her side and mentally shrugged. If that was the worse she could do to herself, she’d be sleeping in no time. She knew there was no shame. She wasn’t exactly hiding. She just wasn’t as visible, that’s all. If the topic came up she was open about her sexuality. Which meant Ron knew. Leah knew. Bunch of other people… she yawned. She just didn’t think of it as her life style. Bondage, power plays, all that…were just activities she enjoyed.
Her bully gave it one final try; if it was ‘just an activity’, why did she break off her last relationship because he freaked out about it. Her last thought before drifting off was ‘spineless wimp judgmental douche bag’.