Those are not my words. That’s how Krissy Brady described the word ‘Sapiosexual’. And she is not alone. There are plenty of people who are put off by this new sexuality. But for a buzzword, it’s creating very little buzz. When I searched Medium for the sapiosexual tag, I got one result. One. And as if to emphasize that fact, it was a story of one word.
So I felt compelled to put up my thoughts about sapiosexuality. Just so we are clear, I do identify as a sapiosexual.
In a way I can understand why people get annoyed by the concept of sapiosexuality, the last thing anyone needs is yet an other aspect of yourself to be insecure about when you are dating. It feels like people are judging you and worse, if a sapiosexual doesn’t find you attractive, does that mean you are dumb? No, it doesn’t. Let me try to explain.
If I say I am a heterosexual, would you think nothing else mattered to me, as long as my date was a man I would feel attracted to him? No of course not. All ‘heterosexual’ tells you, is a basic requirement. It means that not matter how attractive you look, no matter how great your personality is, if you are not a man, I won’t be attracted to you.
That is how being sapiosexual difference from a preference for an intelligent partner. A preference means more likely to be attracted to, not a requirement. You can have a preference for green eyes and blond hair and still fall helplessly in love with someone with brown eyes and black hair.
But someone who is a sapiosexual just doesn’t fall for people without a certain mental capability. And for some of us, it is (or was, before accepting that sapiosexuality is a real thing) a struggle where we’re left wondering if we are just gigantic arrogant assholes for just not feeling that spark for absolutely great people. At no point did I feel those people were dumb. Intelligence isn’t digital, it’s not like if you are not smart, you are dumb.
And then when a person does have the mental capability I require, it doesn’t automatically make them attractive to me. I dislike know-it-alls, arrogance, insensitivity and conceit just as much as the next person.
For me it’s not even about knowing a lot. Knowing a lot is simply the result of the desire to know. It’s about feeling there are no dull topics. It’s about understanding why I enjoyed a hour long Discovery Channel special about the toilet.
How does this all relate to sex? I will give an example. I am in a long distance relationship. We were engaged in some heavy online flirting when the conversation turned to what region of the tongue tastes salt. (sweat is salty) We both remembered salt receptors to be on a different part of the tongue, so we had to look it up. Turns out what we learned in school was incorrect. There are no taste regions. Every part of the tongue tastes every flavour. If there are more receptors for one flavour in one place, the effect is minuscule. So you will be able to taste all of your lover no matter what movement your tongue makes.
That whole succession -I want to taste your body -how does the tongue taste -disagreement of facts -looking up and learning new facts -I want to taste your body…takes no shift in mentality. It doesn’t feel the flirting is interrupted by touching on some basic biology and a bit of googling, it’s part of it. It actually makes it one of the more memorable and hot chat sessions I’ve had.
Thinking people who identify as sapiosexual are using it to say “I am so smart” sounds as strange to me as thinking women who identify as heterosexual are using it to say “I am so feminine”.
There will always be people who use the ‘latest thing’ trying to get attention. But for most people who claim to be sapiosexual, it’s just about finding an identity that fits best.