The things you say are well reasoned and completely logical. But to me, a woman who has had mostly men as sex partners, it is very apparent that you are a man who has had mostly women as sex partners.

so, yeah, I’ll grunt and growl and sigh and moan, like everyone else …

Had you slept with more men (although to be fair, I am talking about men attracted to women so I am not sure how that could have worked out) you would have seen the glaring fallacy: for some inexplicable reason, men don’t vocalize during sex.

I know my sample size is nowhere near big enough to make a sweeping statement like that. On the other hand, I’m not a virgin either. I have not had any vanilla lovers grunt or growl. Sighs were the best I could hope for and if I was very lucky maybe a single “ohh” near the end.

That’s not to say they didn’t respond during sex, but it’s mostly done in complete silence.

It’s actually kinda creepy. I imagine the woman who “just lies there” is equally creepy. Like, what happened to clear and enthusiastic consent? But they all assured me they were enjoying themselves, so I don’t know what the hell is going on there, aside from knowing I don’t want that sort of thing in my bed anymore.

I promise you it wasn’t a ‘vanilla’ who came up with the terms ‘primal’ and ‘primal play’, it was someone who was already part of the ‘community’ …

Well yeah I agree, it was probably a man or woman who, like me, didn’t want to deal with a certain thing during sex, like deafening silence. That’s what I mean, we had to make up a vocabulary to say “hey, I like to have sex this way” — which, by the way, is mostly used in online communities where leading with you preferences for sex is completely acceptable, even if it’s not in face-to-face communities (yet).

On a side note, this is probably the one topic where gate-keeping is a good thing. I sure as hell hope everyone is selective about who they invite into their chambers.

Taken it to its logical conclusion, the idea of which ‘primal’ is an example is that there is no such thing as ‘vanilla’

No no, there’s such a thing as vanilla, I am just not completely sure that it’s less of a kink than kink. (we’re only discussing kink here, not fetishes)

See, sex is like Baskin Robbins Ice Cream: there’s 32 flavors of ice cream (there’s probably more, but they keep advertising around here and for the sake of the metaphor it will do) Vanilla is the most popular flavor. But if you divide customers into vanilla and not-vanilla, the group of people who prefer not-vanilla is much larger. It’s just that the not-vanilla group is divided into 31 sub groups, each of which is smaller than the vanilla group. Chocolate and strawberry might come close but if you like mint chocolate chip the most, it’s going to be really hard running into someone else who has that as favorite ice cream as well. So sharing a tub with a random person in the store is going to leave someone less satisfied — unless you straight up ask “where’s the mint chocolate chip people at?”

What’s happening without definitions is that you hear me say “I want that ice cream that gives this cold sensation in your mouth and has the little sweet bits in it.” and you stand there shaking your head thinking “all ice cream is cold and sweet, idiot”. And then you walk away with your mint chocolate chip “look it’s just ice cream — like every other ice cream: cold and sweet.”

Yes.

But it’s also mint chocolate chip. And it tastes nothing like vanilla.

But, “sexual preference” and “sexuality” are words that have become permanently linked to gender preferences, so what other language are we left with besides “kink”? It’s a flavor of sex, just like vanilla is. Less popular but equally dependent on taste. And just like ice cream there’s going to be people who want one scoop of this and one scoop of that. One of those scoops might even be vanilla. Because vanilla is nice even if it’s not your all time favorite. There’s going to be people who always eat the same thing and people who want to try out all the flavors. But in the end, which flavor is best is subjective and all of the flavors will give you ice cream.

Writer of fiction, blogs and erotica. Frequency in that order. Popularity in reverse.

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