You’ve been trolling me with it

Yes

REVENGE!!!!

Bring it :-)

And I’ve been too dense to realise

Wait, what, really?

Well, this is awkward. No wonder I got the feeling we were talking past each other. Um…

Okay, okay, just to put the record straight.

Just because you can be a little domineering (I don’t really like the negative association with that word, but I like alpha even less if we’re not talking about a wolf pack or something) doesn’t really make you a dom in denial. Although you could probably become a good one if you were to decide to be one, there’s much more to being a dom than a natural tendency to float to the top of the pecking order in social situations. Truth be told, being a little domineering isn’t even a requirement to becoming a dom. It’s mostly learned skills.

Similarly, I’ve not seen you mention things that would put me seriously in mind of you being “primal”. Primal isn’t just about the people. It’s forces, too. For me, a big one is storms. There’s something about lightning. It’s like thunder is a challenge to drown it out. There’s something about rain drops (or just water) on skin. Just animalistic behavior makes more sense in context of furry or bestiality, but accusing you of that would stick at all.

So yes. I am trolling. Which is also the response to

Since you believe I’m kinky (a ‘primal predator’ ‘dom’ in denial), in what way could my opinion of what is, or isn’t, vanilla be of any help to you in determining what will appeal to a‘vanilla’ readership?

I actually don’t. I believe you have an appreciation for the aesthetics that come with certain kinks. I think the kink community paid your bills in certain points of your life, because you understood the aesthetics. I think you don’t like the performative aspects of the more theatrical kinks, because you’ve been performative in so much in your daily life, whether it was standing in front of the class or standing in a DJ booth, that performing just isn’t exciting to you.

I strongly suspect you don’t even have any preferences about the lights on or off during sex. (although, you might have a fucking playlist)

But please don’t give with one hand only to take with the other by putting forward a proposition so full of holes it’s Swiss cheese — come on … you know that’ll upset me, because irrationality burns my very being like sunlight does a vampire

*snicker* I’ll try to cut down on the trolling, but I honestly can’t make any promises. You’re response essays are so damn entertaining. You’ve mentioned you don’t have the time or interests to become serious about your writing — it’s a bit of a shame.

their silence meant their performance was so subpar that you don’t want their like in your bed any more

I think you misunderstood. I don’t think there was anything wrong with their performance. I’ve been lucky to only have had adequate to great lovers in that sense. I am sure any other lady would have been delighted with any of them.

I will completely own that the silence thing is one of my weird hang-ups. I’m creeped out and it’s not something I can really get used to. Talking in tongues or Latin chanting would probably be less disturbing to me.

Nor did I mean that absolutely everyone necessarily growled per se, or moaned as such … just that everyone involuntarily makes noises of some kind, even if it’s only the high-pitched noise that happens as air escapes when you move whilst holding your breath.

Yeah that’s the point — you’d think that, because it makes complete sense, but they don’t and it’s fucking weird. I don’t know how else to make it clear that I agree with you, but the practice just doesn’t match up with the theory.

This part doesn’t even have anything to do with kink. I just found out by trial and error (and exploring my own sexuality) that kink was a (not the, a) solution for me.

And here we go, back to the advantages of labels within an online community — I know where to search because of people identifying as certain things. That in the end I didn’t find someone in those communities, but somewhere else entirely, is beside the point. We did find we were sexually compatible in broad strokes by the definitions provided by the kink communities and in conversations found we were also pretty compatible in detail.

What is it that offends your sense of what ought to be … of how things (Life, the Universe, Everything) should be ordered … if I don’t?

I don’t care what you do. What offends my sensibility, what pushes my button, is your stance that all kink comes from mental and/or emotional deficiency and then when you read or are told about behavior you display that is (a part of ) being kinky, you boldly claim that is part of vanilla sex and those who don’t display it are mentally and/or emotionally deficient. (doesn’t that sound like no true Scotsman to you?)

Will the past lovers suddenly become more or less of a disappointment?

Disappointment is a strong word, but I get your drift. And no, that’s not going to change, what can change is with application of the labels I can avoid future disappointments and have a vocabulary for future negotiations.

A “because” I need to mention, is safety. There’s things people are into, or want to explore, that are just better done with some rules in place and some guidance of the community. Otherwise you get those situations, right after 50 shades exploded in popularity, where the fire brigade frequently had to cut people out of handcuffs with lost keys. And that’s a tame example.

I’ve heard woman tell stories where a new lover would suddenly start chocking them during sex because they had the (most likely introduced by porn) idea it was “just part of sex”. Erotic asphyxiation is never okay — there’s just no safe way to do it. When things inevitably go wrong, the judge isn’t going to care that you got consent for sex. But even if you do it in the only acceptable way: just placing a hand on your partner’s neck without squeezing, doing so without prior discussion because you think it’s normal sex can be fucking terrifying for your partner. That’s why you need to know it’s a kink. And if you want to practice it you need to look for people who identify with the kink. And then you need to have a discussion about expectations and boundaries, which even you can agree is a whole lot easier when you know a potential partner already identifies with kink.

If that makes me a conservative, I’ll own it.

Writer of fiction, blogs and erotica. Frequency in that order. Popularity in reverse.

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