Some times I sit and wonder what it’s like to forget yourself completely. Amnesia by some accident or sickness. I understand from stories I read that it’s scary and frustrating and not something you really want to go through. And still i wonder…Because being a real blank page must also be exciting. You get to go through everything for the first time again. You get to discover yourself without prior baggage. Imagine reading your favorite book for the first time again. Getting surprised and excited and scared (depending on the genre). Imagine seeing your favorite movie, eating your favorite meal….And best of all, making a fair judgement of it as you are right now. Maybe that book is good, but not really your favorite. By now there’s other books and maybe one of your other books is your real favorite, but you’ve never acknowledged that because…well your favorite book is your favorite book, always has been always will. But is it your favorite because it’s your favorite or because you learned it is your favorite? Do you know what I mean?
Same with everything else. Maybe your mom makes your favorite meal when she feels like she wants to do something nice for you. Is it really the food you like best? Or is it really the memories and the love mom put into it that make it your favorite? Could you honestly make a judgement on that while you have an idea of who you are? -But if you forgot yourself, then your new favorites are true, untainted, best of things your world has to offer.
As exciting as that sounds, I really don’t want to forget myself completely. There are so many great memories I don’t want to lose. There are a good amount of bad memories I don’t want to lose either. Because they are useful and part of me. Overall, I like me.
But, we don’t really have to forget ourselves to get to experience that ‘blank page’ feeling. What we can do instead is get into a new relationship. Because there are a whole lot of things we didn’t experience yet in this world. And our partner is our introduction.
Geoff promised to introduce me to amine. I’m so excited. He’s got it all planned out, too. Start me out with this movie, work up to that one. I’ve never thought of anime as a ‘me’ thing. I’ve seen a few. I enjoyed them. But there was no click. No real desire to seek out more anime. So why am I excited to get introduced by Geoff? Because it could become a ‘us’ thing. It’s obviously a ‘him’ thing, and he wants me to share in it. This is also why I’ve not, upon learning he is a fan, sought out anime on my own. I want to experience it with him. Passion can be contagious -this is why people at a comedy show laugh more and louder than when you are watching the DVD at home, alone- and I want to watch it with that extra level of excitement.
It could even grow to become a ‘me’ thing as well.
Of course not all “me” things and not all “you” things have to become “us” things. Formula one, cricket, rugby, while I will happily watch with him, I am fairly certain will never really become “us” things, let alone “me” things. But I can’t know for sure. Not until the experience comes and gets judged.
And that’s totally fine. And even part of the excitement. There’s all these new things I get to make a judgement on. I get to decide if it’s something I will incorporate into myself, or consider part of our unity, or part of my partner. Whatever the future will bring, I will forever have a different understanding of ‘me’. And because it’s new, without previous experiences clouding my judgement, it will be a little more authentic version of ‘me’.
And that’s absolutely awesome.